#221- revised

To _____________, Dear QueryShark:


Vuto is only 17 when her third child dies, mere days after birth.


Malawian tradition prevents men from considering a child their own until it’s lived for two weeks. Frustrated at not being able to speak to her husband, Solomon, about all three of the children she’s had to bury alone, Vuto forces him to acknowledge the dead baby. Her rejection of their culture causes Solomon and the village elders to banish Vuto from the only home she’s ever known. 


Vuto seeks refuge in the hut of U.S. Peace Corps volunteer Samantha Brennan, where Solomon discovers his wife has not left as she was told, leading him to attack both women. Disregarding her oath to remain uninvolved in village politics, Samantha interjects herself into the center of the conflict, defending Vuto and killing Solomon in the process.

This is your story----->The women go on the run from Vuto’s village and the Peace Corps, encountering physical, ethical and cultural struggles along the way.

How far in to the book does this occur? If it's more than 10,000 words, you've got too much set up and backstory.  This 'on the run' journey is the story. And of course, the question is where are they trying to go? 

Focus here, not the reason they're on the run.

Inspired by my experience as a Peace Corps volunteer in Africa, Vuto falls into the women’s fiction category and is complete at 52,000 words.

52K is pretty short for a full novel. 

My self-published book, _____, received the Barnes and Noble Rising Star Award in 2009, placing it in stores on the east coast. My book ______ is being released by _____________ later this year.

Unless your book is a grizzly bear being released into the wild after an unfortunate encounter with beef cattle, it's most likely being published rather than released.  Also, you'll want to mention if that publisher has an option on this next book, and if you sold it without an agent.  

 There's still no sense of the story-what's at stake, and why we should care about the people involved. Real life does not a story make---and it's real hard to tell people that cause everyone thinks their own life is captivating.


Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely

This is better but it's a form rejection.



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To _______________:  Dear QueryShark:


Vuto loses her third child mere days after birth - and she's only 17 years old.

Unless Vuto left her child on the train, what you mean is the child died. You need to catch our interest here. Use the most powerful word that fits.  Vuto's third child dies mere days after birth.

You mention her age without context. "Only 17" implies she's very young to have three children--but early marriage is more common in the Malawi countryside than here in the US.  Without context, her age doesn't tell us anything other than a number.

The young Malawian woman Vuto forces her husband to acknowledge the baby, despite tradition that prevents men from considering a child their own until they've lived for at least two weeks. Her decision causes rifts in the village and Vuto's newfound feminism is lashed back against. She is banished and must come to terms with herself, her home and her loss.

You're telling us events, not a story. If you want us to care about the characters we have to know more about them than what happens.  Why did Vuto force her husband to do this? What is she trying to accomplish? Why does the village banish her?

"lashed back against" is as awkward as a giraffe on roller skates.

What does she must come to terms with her home mean?  If you have a series, each word has to belong as if the others are not there. She has to come to terms with herself/she has to come to terms with her loss--both those work. Her home doesn't.

Taking solace in the home of a U.S. Peace Corps volunteer, a surprise attack by Vuto's husband leads to murder and an adventure neither the volunteer or Vuto herself had planned for.

Does the Peace Corps worker have a name? Does Vuto's husband? And do you mean "refuge" rather than "solace?" "Solace" implies Vuto finds comfort in this place, which would lead us to think she has some history here, or it has meaning beyond a safe place to be.

Details are what catch our interest. Without details,  this is a report not a story.

At 52,000 words, my book, Vuto, falls into the young adult fiction category and was inspired by an experience I had as a Peace Corps volunteer in Malawi, Africa.

YA is not determined by length. It's determined by voice and content.  I'm not sure this is a YA novel at all. 

My self-published book, (title), received the Barnes and Noble Rising Star Award in 2009, placing it in stores along the east coast. My book (title 2) is being re-released by (publisher) later this year.

Please consider Vuto for publication.

Query letters that ask me to "publish" or "consider for publication" drive me bonkers.  I don't publish books.   Publishers publish books. I'm an agent. I represent authors.  This phrase smacks of carelessness.  Carelessness is a quality I am NOT seeking in new clients. Your query letter tells me about you as a writer, as well as about the book.